I had a moment this week of writing notes on films I’d seen in the cinema when I realised that my film rating system was slightly out of date, and that I had to do something about it. My incredibly vain film rating system is based on my name – five letters in ‘DAVID’ equates to the five-star system of most film reviews, and I was able to take variations of my name and the letters in the word to come up with different permutations for different numbers of stars. It made sense to me.

So far, so good. But, looking at one entry in particular, you can see how long ago I came up with this idea. For a film that I would classify as something you might enjoy because it’s well made and there are some good bits but don’t really need to see it in the cinema, I rate it as ‘VID’, meaning you should check it out on video. Yes, it kind of ages me, doesn’t it? Fortunately, my wonderful name is so amazingly mutable, it can survive the transition to the more modern way of watching films at home and come up with a new version for the same rating: DVD.

Brilliant, eh?

Therefore, I now present my updated Film Rating System Based On My Own Name:

DAVID (five stars out of five)
A completely brilliant film (as my name encapsulates brilliance). Everything about it means that it ends up on ‘end of year’ lists. You should see it in the cinema as soon as you’ve finished reading my thoughts on it.

DAVE (four stars out of five)
A really good film that most people would enjoy. Not necessarily a classic but the sort of film that you enjoyed so much that you want to recommend it to your friends, and you know you’ll buy it on DVD (Blu-Ray, whatever) when it comes out. Like a Dave, you can trust it, although it might not to be everybody’s taste.

DVD (three stars out of five)
Even though this might date me in a few years, this rating means you should watch the film when it comes out on DVD. The film is enjoyable, especially if you like that sort of thing, or it might have some particularly good performances or set pieces, but not enough to warrant a trip to your local cinema.

DA (two stars out of five)
It starts out well but it doesn’t end well. The intention was good to begin with but the result isn’t worth talking about, not worth finishing. The film isn’t so bad that you can celebrate its awfulness, but it’s not any good; a bit of a disappointment.

D (one star out of five)
The worst rating for a film, the D can stand for ‘Disastrous’, ‘Deplorable’, Diabolical’. This is a film that makes you angry because it was so bad. It’s made worse when it makes good people look rubbish, as if they don’t know what they’re doing. It makes you wonder how it got made, let alone got released. It’s Distressing, it’s Disappointing, it’s Doggie Doo-doo.